Food and Weight: An Ongoing Journey

Today is Not a Good Day.

Posted on: April 13, 2014

I seem to have caught a cold; either that or my allergies have descended in a huge cloud or something. I have been hacking since last night. Produce is clear, but bubbly, and I feel like I’ve been beaten about the rib cage from all the coughing.

This is the kind of stuff the roomie is particularly useless at dealing with, so she has been hiding in her room since the choking/gagging started. Today, she has plans with some friends, and was just going to go out, leaving me without breakfast or a drink. She won’t be home until about 5 pm (transit on a Sunday is iffy at best, lately), and I just cannot stand long enough to cook something, so this is not a small thing. When I asked her about it, having spoken to her at about 8 am, I got her usual obliviousness. When I asked her as she was getting ready to leave at 11 why she hadn’t asked me about breakfast, her response was “You were asleep.” This is one of the disconnects about her that scares me. This is one of the reasons I do not feel completely safe and secure in my own home at the moment. It’s not that she means evil — I know she doesn’t — but that she is totally oblivious to far too many things. And, right now, I cannot hold up the ball for both of us. Add into the mix that a friend of ours has recently made the decision to discontinue her dialysis appointments, and the roomie is even less functional than usual. (It took two of us to get it into her head that, even if she is not happy with the friend’s decision, it’s the person’s decision to make, and we all need to respect that.)

I have been blessed to have mostly good days so far with this recovery, but days like this scare the heck out of me. They make me feel helpless, which is never good. I would call someone to come and sit with me, but most of the usual suspects are busy today. Further, now that the roomie has left the house, it would be difficult for me to get to the front of the apartment to let anyone in.

So, I am feeling very stuck and vulnerable today. I know in my head that this will pass, and that I will soon be able to do more for myself, but it’s still very scary – especially since the last time she left me alone, she lost her keys and decided that having the landlord break in through my bedroom window would be smarter than calling me to tell me she needed me to let her in. I still have slight nightmares about waking up and hearing someone trying to break in through my window while screaming at me in Russian. Not a good feeling.

The worst part is that we now suspect that there may be one or two things causing these disconnects, neither of which is great, and both of which mean that I will end up being a caretaker at some point in the future. Having railed in the past about having to be the responsible adult in this household, this scares me no end, especially since one of her passive aggressive things is to demand that she be taken care of, then balk when you try to do so.

I am going back to bed now, and praying she doesn’t lose her keys again, or her phone (she loses that about every six months or so). Hopefully, I will finally get some sleep; feeling sleep deprived because I am too busy hacking up a lung to fall asleep is definitely not helping matters.


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